Leviticus 15

Just when you thought that molds and skin diseases would be the most unsavory topics in Leviticus, God goes and drops Leviticus 15 on us: Bodily discharges. Any commentary on this chapter has the potential for a buttload of scatological humor, but I, of course, am above such puerile shenanigans. Reading through this chapter, I'm reminded just how disgusting even a perfectly healthy body can be. As kids, of course, most of us found such literary classics such as "Everybody Poops" and "The Gas We Pass" vastly amusing. I even remember going to the bookstore, contemplating buying this book on the science of disgusting bodily functions (called Grossology or Poopology or something of that nature). I didn't end up buying it, but I did browse through a good portion of it; that's where I learned that your own urine is potable in an emergency.

God starts out talking about unusual bodily discharges from men. When I first read that, I thought, "That sounds an awful lot like a euphemism for, you know…." (Yes, I'm circumspect even when I think to myself--that's how weird I am.) Then, of course, we get to verse 16 where God says it right out. So I guess the unusual bodily discharges actually are referring to genuinely unusual discharges. Like rainbows, because we all know that only girls and unicorns emit those.

I find verse 8 particularly amusing: "If the man with the discharge spits on anyone who is clean, they must wash their clothes and bathe with water, and they will be unclean until evening." Imagine a fellow who not only has an unusual discharge, but he also has to go and be a jerk by spitting on other people. In the immortal words of Calvin (the cartoon strip character, not the philosopher after whom he's named), "Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around."

All these bodily fluids, whether usual or unusual (though I don't know if rainbows count as fluids), are unclean, which again makes sense, as they're often the vehicles of certain disagreeable diseases, including STDs. Even normal sex makes one unclean, if for only a brief period (verse 18). Of course, God isn't discouraging sex outright--how else can one be fruitful and multiply? In any case, the focus of this chapter isn't what does or doesn't constitute sexual morality, but rather one's physical and spiritual cleanliness.