1 Samuel 4

Imagine, for a moment, that you're reposing in your La-Z-Boy by the side of the road. (And why are you outside? Because you're in a freaking La-Z-Boy, and why shouldn't you be on the side of the road?) So maybe you're not totally relaxed because, well, your recalcitrant sons (perfect scoundrels, the both of them) employed attrition to convince you to let them take your McLaren P1 for a joyride through the suburbs. So while you're reclining and enjoying the smell of leaking propane from your idiot neighbor who can't operate a simple gas grill, you see the mailman run up to you, distraught. (Wait, you can't actually see him because you're blind. Did I forget to mention that? You're blind. And corpulent.) So you hear the mailman run up to you (and you know he's the mailman because you can "hear" the blue uniform he's wearing--hey, as long as this is a fantasy, why not make you a portly, 98-year-old Daredevil?), and he delivers the news you've been dreading.

Your McLaren has been stolen.

And by the way, your sons have been killed as well, but let's worry about that later because your McLaren has been stolen! Flabbergasted and grieved beyond belief, you fall off the back of your La-Z-Boy and break your neck.

The end.

Eli's life circumstances are truly pitiful, but his actual death plays like some black comedy. Actually, and I'm sure I'm not the first one to mention this, it reminds me of the last scene of The Godfather Part III. [Mild spoilers ahead, but it doesn't really matter because there's nothing really in the third Godfather movie worth spoiling.] After two epic, complex, incredible films (and one substandard one), the Godfather saga comes to an ignominious close when one of the characters dies and falls off his chair.

The serious point to come away with from this chapter is that one shouldn't try to manipulate God for one's own ends--the Israelites thought that merely bringing the ark of the covenant into battle would ensure them God's support and, more importantly from their point of view, victory. But nope--their first battle without the ark costs them 4,000 (verse 2). When they bring the ark, they lose a whopping 30,000 (verse 10). Oops.

Finally, I want to note that chapter 4 boasts not one but two fantastic names: Ebenezer (verse 1) and Ichabod (verse 21). No, I don't have anything more profound to say than that.