Rebirth

Why wait?

That's a question that's been in the back of my mind for most of my life, one that I've always pushed away. Life is short, so why wait?

Why wait to use my talents at writing (comparatively meager as they may be) instead of spending hours reading badly written, asinine YouTube and Disqus comments? Why wait to write those soundtrack reviews I've promised myself I'd write for close to four years now? Why wait to read Game of Thrones when it's been sitting in my room for months, and why wait to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer when it's readily available on Netflix (though with my luck, the show's probably expired by now)?

Most importantly, why wait to reestablish my relationship with God, a relationship that has stagnated and, indeed, backslid over the past few years? "I'll do it later," I keep telling myself. To which God, in effect, replies, "Well, if that's your attitude, Buster, 'later' will never come." (Prime lyrics for a James Bond song).

I've distanced myself from God for the past few years, going through the motions to make it look like nothing's wrong. Though I've yet to undergo a crisis of faith--I've never stopped believing that God exists in some capacity--I've been pushing Him away and, for reasons I'm still coming to terms with, resisted coming back to Him.

More than anything else, I've taken Jesus' ultimate sacrifice for granted. Not just taken for granted--I may as well have outright spat in His face. The enormity (in the true sense of the word) of that action has yet to fully strike me, but God has allowed just a minuscule, devastating sliver--a hint of how my offense makes Him and His feel--bring me to my knees.

I am far from fully healed--just a few days ago, I snapped at someone with an annoyance bordering on vituperative. Having heard the testimonies of fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, I fully expect to continue struggling until I croak. Whether I overcome said struggles, God's plan will prevail, with or without me. But if I call myself a Christian, do I really want to live my life as though Jesus means nothing to me? Or do I trust in Him, allowing Him to provide strength in my weakness, serving as His hands and feet?

Which brings me to the point of all this (to quote Gehn from the seminal computer game Riven, and yes, I realize I'm as periphrastic as he is). To serve as an instrument of God in the earthly realm, I first need to bolster my spiritual life. As one of those steps, I will strive to read a chapter of the Bible a day and write my reflections. (Leviticus will be a real hoot to write about, as will the first few chapters of Numbers and 1 Chronicles). Thus, this blog will be reborn, devoted to faith-based ramblings. (Writing on films, soundtracks, and other media will be hosted on the Soundtrack Mantis blog from now on.) Now, I'm not a Biblical scholar, nor do I boast of having any Earth-shattering insights. In fact, the posts will probably be haphazard and possibly scatterbrained. In addition, the irreverence that subtly (and, at times, not so subtly) imbues my writing at times may offend those whose sense of humor runs counter to mine, but Jesus' love, grace, and sacrificial death on the cross I will always take seriously.

I believe this is something God has laid on my heart. Yes, I enjoy writing, but it still takes hard work, discipline, and a rather dismaying amount of time. Yet considering how much of my free time I've wasted for the past couple decades, producing content, even if it benefits and spiritually edifies only me, seems like a worthwhile investment.